the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize