Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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