Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dicks are not precious.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
