I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
