"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
