we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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