i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
