Please don't use social media to get back at me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize