Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Who died my cat blue again?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
