you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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