You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
