The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
