my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
