why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
