her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
