I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
