Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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