I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
