i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
