she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I died a long time ago.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
