Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
