Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
soo... how was my night?
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