I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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