omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
