I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Come on in and take your pants off
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