Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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