Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
