i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
