He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
