I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
