I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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