im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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