My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
