I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
