Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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