i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
