I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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