I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
