You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
