Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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