True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
