We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
