Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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