Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We are two peas in an std pod
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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