Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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