Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
