Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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