My hand turned me down
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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