I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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