Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
