Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
