I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
