I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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