please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
