Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
