Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
